I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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