he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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