non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize
