Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
