It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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