Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
