if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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