The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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