I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
