A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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