I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
