I cockslap morals
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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