P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
