oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Vodka?
Forever.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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