The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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