Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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