im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
