If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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