You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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