I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
