Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
