i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
