the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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