eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
they need to just BURY HIM!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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