Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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