i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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