We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
