I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
