so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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