On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
