I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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