I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
