I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
