we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
