the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Drunk is not a location!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
