she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Randomize
