just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
