when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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