apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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