i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
