if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
