so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
