You smell like stripper and shame
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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