Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
