I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
