WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
