I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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