dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
