just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
