I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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